There Will Be Beer

The Abrahamic religions have Heaven. The Buddhists have Nirvana. All religions have their Utopian society or eternal destination. Succinctly, this ale is the official beverage of the blissful afterlife.

It’s also so fricking smooth that you’ll wind up in the back of a cop car if you drink two or three of these bad boys because this is 9% ABV. And you will drink more than one. It will make you want to become a friar.

Onto the formalities!

Presentation: It has a nice golden color with a massive head that stays for the distance.

Smell: You smell the yeast and a bit of fruit, but more than anything you smell fermented bliss.

Taste/Aftertaste: You do get a bit of an alcohol aftertaste after the first pass, but the beer just swaddles your toungue with its goodness. Dolphins jump out of the water when you drink this stuff, and care bears caress your tastebuds.

Mouthfeel: Velvet, baby. Pure velvet.

Drinkability: This is a beer for drinking when something wonderful happens to you. It’s not cheap; I paid $3.99 for 11.2 oz. It would pair well with just about any savory dish. It’s like in Arthur Clarke’s 2010 when Hal says “It’s Something Wonderful”.

TWBB rating: 5

A proper review of this beer would consist of one word: Perfection. But since my paycheck depends on a thorough and somewhat amusing review of the beer in question, I must expound upon this work of zymurgist art. This gift to mankind comes to us from God via the Augustiner Brewery, an establishment that has been perfecting its craft in Munich since 1328.

Presentation: A feast for the eyes. Pouring this doppelbock into a glass awakens the senses with a dark amber color. Place it in a beam of sunlight, and it will remind you of the finish on your grandmother’s mahogany dining room table. The thin, dark-tan head fades away quickly, allowing the drinker to enjoy the dancing of little bubbles on the surface.

Smell: A perfect balance of roasted malts and hops – a veritable concerto for the nose. The chocolate malt leads into a crescendo of honey, caramel, and bread. It smells sweet, seducing the drinker to linger, but the taste buds demand satisfaction, and you must press onward.

Taste/Aftertaste: If I had tasted this beer before I got married, I would still be single, having given myself in monastic devotion to this beer. The flavor is rich, complex and satisfying. The hops perfectly balance the roasted malts, giving a crisp, dry edge to a delicious sweetness. The aftertaste is rapturous; I swear that there was a hint of rum and honey at the end, with just a little bitterness to remind that you are still on earth and not in heaven.

Mouthfeel: There is more carbonation in this beer than one would expect from the pour, making it feel light. This is a substantial beer, and would pair nicely with any meal.

Drinkability: Eminently drinkable. It goes down smooth and creamy, and makes you feel like a man.

TWBB Rating: 5

So, I’m a person of bad habits. I buy things, especially alcohol and tobacco, based on packaging. And a lot of the times, especially with alcohol, it’s lead me to some really cool things. So when a friend of mine brings me a beer called Horse Piss Beer, of course, I’m beyond intrigued!

Presentation: Perfect head – a nice foam which settles out, and light carbonation throughout. It’s a really light color, more yellow than amber or golden and it looks really watered down.

Smell: the smell is extremely strong and yeasty – and really really off putting. Honestly, my first reaction on smelling it was, well, they got the name right. I didn’t like the smell, but it does mellow out after a few minutes.

Taste/Aftertaste: It’s a yeasty beer, but it’s not bad. The taste is very well balanced and hits you at the front and the back. The aftertaste sort of lingers. It’s not unpleasant but it is strong.

Mouthfeel: It reminds me of drinking a Mountain Dew you didn’t really need – that sugary aftertaste sort of lingers and hangs out and you eventually need a glass of water to reset.

Drinkability: It’s good. It’s a beer that I’ll definitely finish the 4-pack of, and has a light summery flavor. It’d go well with a burger or some wings and you could drink 4 or 5 of them and not feel overwhelmed. So, drink up Kentucky’s Best!

TWBB Rating: 4

So I’ve become quite taken in recently by the influx of IPAs at my local specialty brew shop. Caleb, the guy who runs the beer side of the shop is a fan of the IPA, so he’s always on top of ordering a range of single, double, and higher hop IPAs. His pointers and suggestions have led to many great purchases so, needless to say, his suggestions weigh heavily on my choices.

Recently, having spent the winter months taking in my share of stouts and porters, I wandered in the shop looking for something a little lighter in flavor. I had been working on a taste for an IPA that just wouldn’t go away. Looking around, I saw a few new additions to the stock, and Caleb came around the corner and immediately started gushing about this amazing double hop IPA they call Hopslam. The way he was talking about it, you would think that this was the Jesus beer. He informed me that it was a limited supply so, if I wanted to try it, I had better snag some because it would disappear fast. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t just a little excited on the ride home.

That night proved to be the beginning of a love affair. As I cracked the seal and began the pour, I was greeted with the pleasantries of a perfectly balanced citrus and piney odor. After my pour, I was left with a beautiful amber color close to that amazing beverage we here in the south call “sweet tea.” Anxiously awaiting my prize, it took all I could muster to not dive in like a young man on prom night.

Presentation: Beautiful. Again, I was reminded of the freshly brewed frothy glasses of sweet tea I drank so much of as a child. The head, after a good pour, settled to about a half inch on top and didn’t move. It settled down to a slight cloudiness which left it looking almost like a dark amber colored Hefewiezen.

Smell: One could almost argue that the smell is as good as the taste. It’s hard to say which. This IPA immediately hits your nose with the perfect amount of pine and grapefruit. First the pine and, after settling, the grapefruit. The closer you get to the glass, the more the hoppiness comes through. That first taste though, brings on the unexpected.

Taste/Aftertaste: Honey. For those experienced in the realm of mead, imagine that, with a hint of hoppy bitterness. Sweet, and just biting enough to let you know that its an IPA. By the time it hits the back of your mouth, the sweetness turns into a splash of flavor very similar to that of a ruby red grapefruit. Quite possibly one of the most refreshing drinks of any brew I’ve ever had.

Mouthfeel: Along the way, these flavors are carried by this lightly bitter, hoppy bite. Being a Double/Imperial IPA, and having experienced a fair share of overly hoppy IPAs recently, I was expecting an overpowering amount of hoppyness. This, however, was certainly not the case and the hoppyness added a crispness which worked to the benefit of the citrus flavors.

Drinkability: Overpowering is certainly not a word I would associate with this brew. The balance of the bitterness of the hops and the sweetness of the honey and grapefruit flavors made this brew go down amazingly smooth, and fast. Which, for those drinking this somewhere other than the comfort of their home, could be a very BAD thing. At 10% alcohol, this brew drank more like its 5% and 6% brethren. I had to stop myself after three, which turned out to be about about one too many and ended my quiet night at home rather early. Advice: Drink slow.

Hopslam is now my standard by which all Double/Imperial IPAs shall be judged. Sadly though, much like many seasonals, one can only rendezvous with this amazing brew during the months of January and February. So if you like IPAs and see it for sale, drop to your knees, thanking God for such a blessing, and grab it before someone sees you and thinks you’ve lost your mind.

TWBB Rating: 5

Taps Cream Ale may be a Gold Medal winner from the 2001 and 2005 Great American Beer Festival but it has never faced the great Stagger McTipsy, the Gordon Ramsey of all things beer. Finer beers have faced me and they have fallen like dead hookers of yore. Will this beer prevail against my tongue of erotic criticism?

Presentation: Not impressive in the least. There’s a steady flow of slight carbonation which is pleasing but the color is more yellow than gold and the head is non-existent.

Smell: A freshly tossed fruit salad. Tossed just the way Brewster likes it.

Taste/Aftertaste: An excellent balance of malt and hops with a subtle bittersweetness, similar to a piece of really dark chocolate. The aftertaste is slightly bitter, reminiscent of an expensive aged cheese. (Trust me, it’s much better than it sounds.) To be succinct, it tastes of class.

Mouthfeel: Uneventful at best. Like a club soda that’s in its last days of carbonation.

Drinkability: This beer is a pounder you can be proud of. It’s very light and drinks that way. A night of the Cream Ale and oysters sounds a little bit like heaven to me.

It’s a damn shame that this cream ale can’t be found outside of Taps. I highly recommend a visit if you ever encounter one. Steal a growler for me while you’re at it.

TWBB Rating:4

Originally, I had chosen a beer that would be welcomed by the granola eating, tree hugging hippies with the organic beer that I happened to come across. However, I was unable to find said beer. Though, I was unsuccessful with the search, I did come across something that perked my attention - Hefeweizen Unfiltered Wheat Beer, also known as UFO, made by Harpoon.

The obvious title would be “The Cosmic Adventure” and it has been. With unbridled excitement, I popped the red and white cap from the blue labeled bottle and began to pour the wheaty goodness into a frosty mug. Quickly, a strong white head of foam erupted to the lip of the glass and taunted me, expanding over the lip of the mug, yet with great determination the head did not travel down the side of the glass, as expected. A soft citrus smell invaded my nostrils providing me with the first taste of what was to come.

Presentation: Poured properly, UFO presents you with a full bodied head, languidly teasing you that its goodness would slip down the side of the glass, yet it holds together, like a real beer should. It has a thick, cloudy, golden color and the wheat and unfiltered yeast dance amongst the carbonation. This beer reminds me of relaxing on a hot summer’s day.

Smell: The aroma of this beer when first opened is a slight yet definite citrusy smell, something I was not expecting. My expectations was of a strong aroma while this beer presented itself with just a hint of aroma.

Taste/Aftertaste: Swallowing the first taste of this beer gave me with a smile, something that’s been hard to come by these days. The beer has a very light citrus taste that does not linger like the inlaws after overstaying their welcome for a week. It seems to dance across your tongue. UFO goes down smooth and leaves just a hint of an after taste, ladened with its natural sembalance of fruity goodness.

Mouthfeel: To me, it felt as though the yeast and wheat had brought in a DJ and was throwing my tastebuds a birthday party in an adult fashion. It rested well upon my tongue - definitely not as heavy as I had expected. The cloudy golden ambrosia moved easily through my mouth which was a real treat.

Drinkability: I was pleasantly surprised at how well this beer came off. I was expecting a heavy, thick, wheaty beer and came home with a light and smooth beer with a hint of a lemony taste.

I’m not normally a fan of the Harpoon family of beers yet this particular brand has, without a doubt, caught my attention.

TWBB Rating: 4

When we were in Ireland in 2005, an interesting thing I noticed was that a lot of the young adults there were drinking Bulmer’s (the Irish name of the cider Strongbow). Now I love a good cider, but a lot of the ciders here are overly ciderish. So I set out to find a good cider that I could order at a bar without feeling like a girl (if it has a woodchuck on it, I don’t care how good it is, you look like a girl).

This week, thanks to a bartender who knows me all too well, I found, perhaps, a suitable substitute. Kells Irish Lager is actually not a cider, but rather a Lager with just a bit of apple at the end. How’s it fair?

Presentation: Kells pours itself just like a lager. The smell is there, the rich thick head is there, with with bubbles forming and popping in the head, and small carbonation rising from the bottom. It has a rich amber color and a lively smell that hits you right away. The beer pours itself really well and looks like a perfect summer beer.

Smell: I thought, upon reading the initial description of Kells, that my wife (who hates beer) might like it. After opening it, it’s clear right away, that this is not a cider. It smells very much like a beer. There is a very subtle smell of apples, though not enough to make you think “cider” - there’s no real sweetness to the smell.

Taste/Aftertaste: It has a really, really pale taste. It’s very subtle, with neither the beer taste of a lager nor the sweet taste of a cider. It’s a little flat tasting, sort of dead. It doesn’t move around a lot within your mouth. There is, surprisingly, almost no aftertaste. I don’t normally like lagers, but I could drink this a lot.

Mouthfeel: It feels a little flat – I think maybe my experience with ciders has lead me to want something much more active, and this is definitely not it. It’s not bad, just catches you off guard. It’s a very…quiet…drink.

Drinkability: The Rogue website said that one of the goals of this beer was to create an American lager that would float a Guinness – and I think this would be a PERFECT black and tan mixer.

It’s a fine tasting beer, though a little too subtle for me. I probably would include more of the apple if I were brewing it. I’d like to try it sometime out of the tap, as opposed to out of the bottle.

TWBB Rating: 3

I had to pick up some beer for a chili cook-off at work and I needed a dark beer for the chili recipe I was using, so I grabbed a Guinness. That was easy enough. As I was perusing the case, I found this ale which grabbed my attention called Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale. It made me long for my days as a teenager when I’d watch John Cleese, Graham Chapman and the others from the Monty Python Flying Circus and the Knights who say Nee. It further claimed it was tempered over burning witches. I was sold.

Let’s see how this cousin of the Black Sheep Ale holds up to my scrutiny.

Presentation: Nice head on a dark amber fluid. So far, so good.

Smell: Very crisp with a hint of fruit.

Taste/Aftertaste: The witches did not die in vain. A little fruity, but it tastes wonderful. Nicely balanced. A little bitter aftertaste, but it’s more than acceptable.

Mouthfeel: Smooth.

Drinkability: Not a problem. I wish the temperature outside was warmer so I could have a few of these poolside or along the river while watching the kids fish. Sip it, pound it, it’s a very nice beer.

I’m not sure what the Holy Grail of Ales would taste like but I think we’re damned close.

TWBB Rating: 5

Any beer that presents itself as an English Style Pale Ale immediately gets my attention. But alas, my encounter with this “craft beer” from our friends at Anheuser Busch is proof that you can’t slap pretty label on a bottle and expect the beer to transubstantiate into the desired style.

Presentation: A pale ale should present itself as hearty with a nice hops aroma and taste. This beer is sweet with minimal flavor. It has a nice pour, with a light amber color, showing minimal carbonation despite the thick creamy head.

Smell: The initial hops aroma quickly gives way to a smell of week-old gym socks. Product information on the AB website indicates the use of Saaz hops. This beer smells like regular Michelob with more hops, and bad hops at that.

Taste/Aftertaste: Sweet, fruity, and bad tasting. A poor excuse for a pale ale. The aftertaste begins with a pleasant enough hint of malt, but quickly becomes acrid and musty. After drinking this beer I am left with the distinct impression that one of the Anheuser-Busch Clydesdales has diabetes.

Mouthfeel: The initial appearance of minimal carbonation is supported by the mouthfeel. For a much more pleasant experience, pop a scuppernong grape into your mouth on a hot august day.

Drinkability: Drinkable with effort, but not worth the effort.

TWBB Rating: 1

Ah, an ale made closer to home! This is Big 10 country and we tend to support each other up here. Most of us even root for Ohio State when we know damn well they’ll lose the BCS Championship Bowl by at least three touchdowns. We have to stick together. It’s cold, except in July and August when it’s unbearably hot and our economies always suck. Besides, a majority of people in the area are either Catholics or Lutherans, so there’s a religious kinship amongst the respective communities.

The caption on the bottle says “To Those Who Want More”. Al Capone, also a native Chicagolander wanted more, and that got him placed in prison for tax evasion. Let’s hope this beer offers us a better fate.

Presentation: An attractive enough of a bottle. A typical beer bottle brown color for the glass and a red label featuring a goose’s head. I’m a sucker for waterfowl, seeing I live next to a wetland area and it’s a nesting area for geese and cranes. Pouring it into a glass reveals a dark amber fluid with almost no bubbles and a slight head. There is just enough hoppiness to throw me a bit, but it’s totally tolerable to my palette.

Smell: Hoppy as hell. Someone snuck an IPA on me! Call 911!

Taste/Aftertaste: Fruity at first with hints of melon and perhaps a wee bit of coriander, but then the hops really kick in. It’s not bad at all! I was expecting my arch nemesis, an India Pale Ale. That didn’t happen. It has a bit of a bitter taste, but it’s a good bitter.

Mouthfeel: Not much to speak of.

Drinkability: This is definitely a sipping beer. On the public radio show The Splendid Table, I’ve heard a beer expert suggest pairing beers & ales with desserts. I can envision this with a nice piece of German chocolate cake.

TWBB Rating: 3